What are you aiming for in raising your child? Good grades? Excel at sports? Behave in public and make you proud?

Most parents say, “I want my child to be nice.”

But nice is not enough. It’s dangerous to settle for raising nice kids.  ‘Nice’ means pleasant, friendly and well-mannered. Originally, in Old English, ‘nice’ meant pleasant, peculiar and ignorant – coming from the Latin root ‘not-knowing’. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my kid to be pleasant but ignorant and unprepared. I want her to be prepared for life. I want him to be capable, confident and courageous.

It’s too easy to settle for the decoys of niceness. I call them the ‘3 A’s‘: Academics, Athletics, and Appearances. If my child is getting good grades. I’ve done a good job as a parent, and they are nice. If my child is good at sports, then everything must be okay. And if my child doesn’t look or act weird and dress strange or have too many tattoos or has a mohawk; then he or she is nice and I’ve done enough as mom or dad. These are all decoys and will divert you from what is important.

The really important stuff is what’s inside your child. Is she prepared from the inside-out? Or are you judging your effectiveness as a parent from the outside-in. I speak to a lot of parents who are worried about materialism, entitlement and impatience they see emerging in their offspring. These are externals – things that do with the outside issues. External-oriented parenting produces external-oriented kids.

I was on Fox & Friends talking about how nice is not enough.

Fox & Friends welcomes The Parents Coach – Timothy Smith

http://video.foxnews.com/v/4329687/dangers-of-raising-nice-kids/

Ask yourself, What kind of child do I want from the inside-out? Most parents say traits like: Compassion, courage, responsibility, discernment, kindness, self-control, other-centered, impulse control, honesty and integrity.

Then ask, How can I guide and train my child to gain these over time? Partially, the answer is not settling for nice kids and not making it too easy on your child. An overemphasis on comfort and ease has made for soft, wimpy kids.

I was pleased to have The Atlantic Journal Constitution also cover my book with an excellent article: Raising Nice Kids Is Not Enough by Gracie Bonds Staples.     In this article, I offer 7 Tips for Developing Authenticity in Your Child

“The whole danger,” I say, “is parents settling for the decoys of the niceness – star on the lacrosse field, acceptance into a top-tier university, graduating and getting a job. If you go for just these things along, you’ve just created the next generation of Enron or AIG executives, successful but not ethical.”

To order a copy of the book, shop at www.Amazon.com

For healthy families and capable kids,

Timothy Smith

59ja7iged6

• Do better at school
• Thrive socially
• Grow physically, develop coordination and more likely to excel at sports
• Resistant using tobacco, drinking alcohol or drug abuse
• Feel more connected and capable

I often ask this at my seminars for parents. Recently I asked some teens. Here are some of their responses:

“Seriously?! All of those benefits from following one tip? I’d pay $500!”

“Wow! I’d pay $1000.00 to get better grades and be better at sports. Of course it would be my DAD’S money, not mine. But he’d be happy with the improvement.”

“That’s a deal! My parents pay for a tutor, and they are on my case about my grades, my choice of friends and they are worried that I’ll smoke pot. So what is it?”

I paused for drama, and to gain the attention of the entire class, “Family meals at least three to five times a week. With the TV and tech turned off. No texting. No calls. Just connecting. And your parents can’t be yelling at you about your chores or grades. Just conversation and food.”

“I’d like that,” confessed Adrian, “We never eat together.”

“Yeah, we used to do that,” said Luisa, but we are going in six directions now. I miss it.”

“My house is lonely at dinner time. Everyone eats at different times in different rooms. Never together,” said Tyler.

“Families that eat a meal together, feel more connected and capable. The meal doesn’t have to be dinner, it could be on weekends, like when you are at your dad’s house. If you can share your opinion and you are listened to you feel valued, and you gain confidence in your thinking which helps you with school. So here’s the challenge, go home and ask your parent, ‘Can we eat dinner together, I’ll help make it?’”

One million families did this last year for National Family Day – A Day To Eat Dinner With Your Children (TM).  Not sure what to say or do? Check out the Family Dinner Kit with tips, ideas and conversations starters, free at: http://casafamilyday.org/familyday/tools-you-can-use/family-dinner-kit/

Healthy families talk over a meal.

Family meals nourish more than the body. They help children feel closer to their family and more understood and valued. Without regular meals together, a child or teen is two times more likely to use tobacco; nearly two times more likely to use alcohol and one and a half times more likely to smoke marijuana. Having dinner together is one of the most strategic tools a parent can use for the health of her/his children.

There are a few ground rules: 1. Make it a conversation, not a lecture. 2. Don’t use it for discipline, like, “How come you are getting a C in math?” 3. No texting, TV, video games or phone calls during the meal. Focus on each other. 4. Enlist your children in preparing and cleaning up. 5. Take turns asking questions. Assign different days to family members to lead the conversation with their questions. 6. Don’t drag it out. A meal and conversation needs to be age-appropriate. Thirty minutes is usually enough time to eat, for each person to comment on their day, and to respond to the Question of The Day.

Don’t believe the common myth that My teen won’t want to talk with me. 75% of teens think family dinner is important and 68% of teens wished their family had more meals together. Make time in your schedule for a meal together. If you have to say no to a soccer practice to make time for dinner, it might be worth it.

Did you know that the Parents Coach makes housecalls? Like SuperNanny, Timothy Smith will come to your house – but without the camera crew! There are two kinds of housecalls – in person, and through video coaching on Skype. If you live in Southern California, give me a call to discuss -toll-free 877.376.3500. If you live out of the Los Angeles area, let’s meet on Skype. There is no charge for Skype. You can download it free from www.Skype.com and request ParentsCoach for a friend and we’ll meet online!

I hope you join the million families and eat dinner together with your children this week. If you do, write and tell me how it went.tim@parentscoach.org

For Healthy Families,

Timothy Smith – The Parents Coach

Westlake Village, CA

Oaks Christian School is hosting The Strategic Parent - raising capable digital natives, presented by Timothy Smith, a nationally known speaker, family coach and author. The seminar is from Wednesday November 16 at 9 AM and at 7 PM at OCS. Register at www.oakschristian.org
Timothy Smith - www.ParentsCoach.org

Some high performance teens drive themselves (and their parents) crazy trying to achieve their idealized version of success. Their obsession with perfection causes them to feel that anything less than perfect is a failure and the only way to get attention is to be perfect. In this presentation, parents will contrast elements of an unhealthy home with a healthy home and answer the following questions:

• What kind of support do our teens need to achieve academically, athletically and artistically?
• How much involvement is too much?
• How do we parent one child who is low on motivation and another who stresses over performance?
• What are the characteristics of Gen iY and how do we respond to them as parents?

Timothy Smith - the Parents Coach, and author of 18 books, including “The Danger of Raising Nice Kids” and “Simple Solutions for Families in the Fast Lane,” will guide parents into developing a customized strategy that will guide them to enhance success, motivation and support without adding stress to their family. Practical tools will also be shared that work with middle school and high school students.

Watch Tim on an recent national interview on Fox & Friends, talking about ‘The Danger of Raising Nice Kids’.

http://video.foxnews.com/v/4329687/dangers-of-raising-nice-kids/

Register online or at the door.

59ja7iged6

I remember when my daughter was born. I told my friends, who were visiting at the hospital, “She’s a miracle! Isn’t she remarkably beautiful?”

They smiled and nodded politely.

“How amazing she is!” I made it, I mused.  “She is unusually intelligent. I can tell at forty-eight hours,” I announced.

My baby-less friends rolled their eyes.

After we brought her home, it hit me: Do I have what it takes to be a good father to my baby girl? I began to have worries that I might drop her, or forget her, or injure her emotionally. I realized then that making babies is a lot more fun than raising them!

It got me thinking: What role does a father play in his daughter’s life?

What role does a dad play in his daughter's life?

A daddy plays a huge role in his daughter’s life. From those first moments of holding her in his arms, a father has begun a twenty-year course of providing an example for his daughter on how to be in relationship with males.  From daddy she learns trust, communication and conflict-resolution skills. Or she may learn that she has no worth; how to be invisible; how to be a people pleaser or how to settle for the first guy who gives her attention.

My daughter is now grown and we speak together for the National Center for Fathering’s Father-Daughter Summit www.Fathers.com We survey thousands of girls. A recent survey question, asked of middle school girls: “What do you need from your dad?”

• 47% Communication – “Take an interest in me and my life.”
• 33% Connection – “More time with me.”
• 15% Conflict resolution – “Would like less tension and arguing.” “Trust me.”
• 2%  Confidence – “Treat me my age – not like a little kid.” “Trust me.”

Based on these responses, I’d like to suggest THREE GIFTS DADS CAN GIVE THEIR DAUGHTERS:

1. Trust - Daughters first learn trust from their dad. He protects her with his strength, masculinity and name. She feels confident when she is with him. He provides, protects – and she trusts. He throws her up in the air and catches her. A dad offers something different and desirable from what a mom provides.

One of the most effective ways to build (or rebuild) trust is to spend time with your daughter. Do things that interest her. Show her appropriate affection and your focused attention. When a daughter feels her father’s trust, she will feel secure.

2. Talk – Daughters may learn how to talk from their mom, but they learn how to communicate from their dads. A girl learns how to communicate from the male species – this strange, prickly-faced and different smelling man! From her father, a daughter learns that she has her own voice, and that her words and opinions matter.

I have worked with thousands of teen girls and every one of them wants to hear from her dad, “You are lovely. You are worth fighting for. With you I am pleased – just the way you are. I love you.”

3. Connection – A daughter learns how to relate to boys and men from her father - or not. Daughters with strong, healthy relationships with their fathers have many benefits. They are: better at school; better at sports; choose healthier friends; avoid at-risk behaviors; and are more likely to relate to boys in a healthy way. For example – not defining her worth and identity based on the opinion of some random boy.

Build your connection with your daughter. She might be going through puberty and changing into a woman, and it might be freaking you out! But don’t pull away. She needs you now, more than ever.

We want our daughters to be healthy and capable. Here is a solution for a capable daughter:

Trust + Communication + Connection = Capable Daughter

The popular culture often tells our girls some fairly negative messages. We cannot correct the message American media and culture are sending, but we can correct the message our daughters are receiving.

The Parents Coach Show

Oprah is launching her new Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) and looking for new talk shows.  And you can help!                  Introducing: THE PARENTS COACH SHOW – Positive, Practical, Humorous and Real Solutions for Today’s Families – Featuring author, speaker and parent coach – Timothy Smith. We will visit families in their homes; invite them into the studio and make field trips to places Super Nanny and Dr. Phil would never go! The Parents Coach Show will make parents heroes at home.

If you want to see this on TV, please watch my three minute audition reel and vote (multiple times if you want!) at Oprah.com  http://tinyurl.com/36evwyd Ask your friends to vote to. Thanks!

Happy Father’s Day!

Timothy Smith

59ja7iged6

]]> http://parentscoach.wordpress.com/2010/06/18/always-daddys-girl/feed/ 4 parentscoach father-daughter IMG_1467_2_(Medium) father-daughter-1 get-attachment-1 get-attachment-2 logo_reverse_sm http://parentscoach.wordpress.com/2010/03/03/when-you-cant-call-super-nanny/ http://parentscoach.wordpress.com/2010/03/03/when-you-cant-call-super-nanny/#comments Wed, 03 Mar 2010 04:06:25 +0000 parentscoach http://parentscoach.wordpress.com/?p=183 ]]> “I don’t want the government to give me health care, I want them to give me the Super Nanny!” says comedian Tim Hawkins  www.TimHawkins.net

Wouldn’t that be great? When the kids are whiny; Jo Frost shows up and tells them, “You have been very naughty. Go sit on the naughty stool. Straightaway!” When the kids refuse to go to bed, the Super Nanny waves her magic umbrella and the little rebels are instantly whisked off with smiles to sweet dreams. And when the husband and wife disagree on parenting, the Super Nanny demonstrates the negotiation skills of a diplomat as she ‘gets them on the same page’ with their parenting.

The Super Nanny - Jo Frost

Wouldn’t it be great to be able to call Super Nanny?

Well you may not want your family documented on national TV. But you still would like some expert help. How about someone coming to your home, but without the cameras and crew? Someone who can personally coach you on strategic discipline, instilling values, being consistent, and building a family mission? How about online video parent coaching?

I speak all over the country and I’m often asked, “How can we get coaching like you do in California?”  My answer has been, “I offer private online video coaching via Skype and iChat for $75 a session.” And lots of parents have done that. Here’s what some of them have said:

“We realized that we were too busy and so were our kids. Video coaching helped us focus, prioritize, relax, connect and build memories. Tim Smith helped us discover a reasonable pace for family life.” – Todd R.
“As young parents, we were clueless about parenting. What we had strong opinions about, we disagreed. Coach Tim got us on the same page with values, vision, and discipline. Now we parent together and with confidence.” – Brent and Paige

“We heard Tim Smith speak in New York about ‘kids being overscheduled and underconnected’. As two working professionals, we realized that he was speaking to us. We applied what we could from his Connecting With Your Kids book and seminar; but what helped us stay with it was the accountability and encouragement we get from our Video Coaching appointments. It’s like having him here in New York.” – Carlos and Felicia
“Parents Coach, Timothy Smith helped our family get through the teen years with our son. I don’t know that we would have made it without him. His de-parenting plan really worked. It prepared our son for college and it helped me to let go. Now I just check in as needed with a video session. It’s like a tune-up!”– Lori B.

But I have something better than Super Nanny coming to your house – FREE ONLINE PARENT COACHING!

I am introducing thirty-minute trials of online coaching Space is limited to the first twenty parents for each session. Online coaching is fun, interactive (with real-time chat and video) and personal. We are offering this free for a limited time because we want to introduce this new technology to hundreds of parents. We will be initially starting with faith-based coaching and then later launching general coaching (for all parents) in the spring.

Check out more info:    OnlineCoachingFlyer3

You can register now at www.faithathome.com/coaching/parent-coaching/ for the faith-based coaching. The general coaching is coming in the spring. I’ll blog about that as it approaches.

In the meantime, here’s your parenting tip: Focus on being clear, calm and consistent when giving your child guidance or discipline. Unfocused instructions frustrate kids. Anxious parents create anxious kids. Inconsistent parents make angry kids.

Your mantra, “I’m clear. calm, consistent . . . I’m clear, calm, consistent …”

Timothy Smith

Follow me on Twitter:  @ParentsCoach

59ja7iged6

“When is he free?” I asked.

“Well, let’s see . . .he has soccer at three,  guitar lessons at five; a tutor after dinner; youth group on Wednesdays – wait, I have another call – hang on.”

Making an appointment with someone in today’s average family can be more challenging than scheduling the Winter Olympics!

Stress has become part of North American family life. The demands of the economy, work, home, family and everything else place an increasing burden on everyone, including children. In my research for my forthcoming book, Simple Solutions for Families in The Fast Lane (Spire, August 2010) I discovered that more than 60% of the parents surveyed report that they don’t have time to relax and connect with their children, or if they are married, with their spouse. Overscheduling can damage our health, our marriages and put our kids at risk.

Available this summer.

We want the best for our kids, but in the pursuit of enrichment we can actually delete important elements and asset-building activities. We’ve bought into the Enrichment Myth – that we need to keep kids busy and fill their world with experiences and instruction if they are to thrive. As a result, we end up frustrating them. Here are my Top Ten Ways To Frustrate Kids:

1. Don’t bond with your young child by giving him physical affection, time and attention.
2. Believe that professional child-care providers are adequate substitutes for your nurture and connection with your child.
3. Don’t cuddle, read, talk with or play with your young child.
4. Ignore all the fuss and hassle about rules, routines and discipline. Focus on letting them express themselves.
5. Don’t impose your moral and spiritual values on your child. Let her discover her own when she is ready.
6. Don’t let him feel a sense of ownership and responsibility for his choices.
7. Live your life through your child. His success is yours. His failure is yours. His achievement should help you feel better.
8. Never allow your child to be held accountable by having to experience consequences for her behavior.
9. Expect the best, even in areas where she isn’t gifted. Frequently remind her of her potential.
10. Don’t waste your time talking and dealing with issues of importance.

If you are a family in the fast lane, and you don’t want to frustrate your kids by adding stress to their lives; make sure you avoid everything on this list.

For more tips on connecting with your kids, visit www.ParentsCoach.org or follow me on Twitter: @ParentsCoach

Keep reading my blog for an announcement for FREE ONLINE COACHING trial sessions coming in March.

For relaxed and connected families,

Timothy Smith – The Parent’s Coach www.ParentsCoach.org

59ja7iged6

Focus on what you can do. You may not be able to travel or buy expensive gifts; but you can take some time to connect as a family, even if it’s dusting off the board games, making some cocoa and playing together. Here are my recession-adjusted 12 Days of Christmas v. 2009:

1. Decorate a Christmas Basket (or box) with Christmas wrapping and bows and collect food for a needy family.

2. Dedicate one night a week in December as Soup Nite – with the money you save by not buying a more expensive entrée, purchase food items for your ‘Christmas Basket’.

3. To pace yourself and not overcommit with time or money; develop together a Christmas Activity Plan. Discuss, “What are the most meaningful activities and parties we want to commit to?” “What should we say ‘no’ to?” “What do we want to do with just our family?” Parents should also develop a Christmas gift budget and stick to it.

4. Buy a family friendly Christmas DVD; make popcorn and watch as a family. Then give the DVD to another family to enjoy and pass along. Or, consider subscribing to www.FamilyValuesCinema.com/TS For about $9 per month you receive a DVD (that you keep!) a family movie discussion guide; and a recipe to bake something with the kids. All the movies are screened by their National Board of Mothers.

5. Decorate a Christmas Card Prayer Box.  As Christmas cards come in, collect them in the box and place on your table. Before a meal, pull out a card and pray for that family as you thank God for the meal.

6. Capture festive holiday memories with a free personalized digital scrapbook page or book at www.ScrapBlog.com You can export your creative work as a .jpg and email, or share online. It’s free. It’s fun. And it’s viral!

7. Go on a Dollar Store shopping spree. Draw names. Give each person $1 and have them find a fun stocking stuffer for their person.

8. Give to a needy child in another country by preparing a shoebox of essentials for him/her. Check-out ‘Operation Christmas Child’ with your child at www.SamaritansPurse.org

9. Create a green Christmas scrapbook page by recycling what you have in your house. Include family photos and your children’s artwork.

10. With your kids, bake Christmas cookies and give them to a family in need, or an older person who may not be with family for the holidays. Try singing a Christmas carol for her/him.

11. Use the original ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ for a family drama with costumes and props. The original intent of this song was to teach sixteenth century Christians in England the true meaning of Christmas. It is metaphorical because Christians were persecuted at that time.

12. Take a driving or walking tour of homes lit with Christmas lights. Return home for cocoa and the reading of the Christmas story from Luke 2 in ‘The Message’ version of the Bible; sing some carols and Happy Birthday Jesus.  Make a toast to Jesus with sparkling apple cider.

Look for daily parenting tips to get you through 2010 at www.Twitter.com and follow me @ParentsCoach

The economy has stressed families. Not just financially, but emotionally and relationally. I have requests almost every day for coaching appointments, house-calls, or presentations from parents and parenting groups with little or no finances. The need seems to be increasing, while the funds seem to be decreasing. 70% of our budget is covered by coaching, speaking fees and book income. 30% comes from donors. To continue offering affordable, sliding scale, coaching, presentations and resources to families, churches, schools and parenting groups we need generous year-end gifts.

Would you please consider Life Skills for American Families in your year-end donations? We are a 501c3 charitable, public benefit non-profit. All gifts are 100% tax-deductible. You can donate online at   www.ParentsCoach.org or mail a check to “Life Skills for American Families” 625 W. Hillcrest Drive, Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Thanks for your gift, and for passing this blog on to other moms and dads.

59ja7iged6

Merry Christmas!

Timothy Smith

In the midst of a challenging economy, what should our response be? As I wrote in a previous post, I believe that we can Grow Strong Kids In a Weak Economy and we can do it during the holidays: Christmas (or Hanukkah – for my readers who observe it).

You may not be able give your child want he wants, but you can give him what he needs.

After my presentation The Danger of Raising Nice Kids to a large group of parents in New York, a dad asked, “We have our kids in a top-notch, private religious school; they take music and art lessons; play sports and go to worship with us; isn’t that enough? What more do they need?”

“You are doing some good things, but not the GREAT things. Have you read the book Good To Great?”

“Yes, I read it on my commute on the train to the city.”

“To move from good to great with your kids, you have to give them things that last. You have to build to last with your kids. You want them to have substance and character that sticks. You have to commit to grow them from the inside out. What you are doing is good, but it’s not great. You have outsourced character formation to the school and the church. You and your kids are missing out on the greatest thing.”

His forehead wrinkled, “And what’s that?”

“Loving something with your heart, soul and strength. Being wholly passionate about something that is timeless and worthwhile.”

“Sounds like what Jesus said, ‘Love the Lord God with all of your heart, soul and mind and others as yourself.’”

“Jesus was paraphrasing the first prayer he learned – The Shema from Deuteronomy 6:5-9. ‘Love God, you God, with your whole heart; love him with all that’s in you, love with all you’ve got! Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and them get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are sitting at home or walking in the street, talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder. Inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.’ Observant Jewish homes repeat this several times a day.”

“How does an old prayer make you a great parent?”

“You may not be able to give your kids much stuff this Christmas, but you can give them something that can’t be broken, returned, lost or goes out of style. You can give them faith, passion and peace. Faith in Someone who is stronger than a parent. A passion for something that lasts. And peace because the stories of God’s deliverance, provision, protection and love are embedded on their hearts. But it starts with you. Get those truths inside of you first, then they will spill over into your children. Let them see your faith in action. Consider helping a needy family this month. Let them see your passion by how you weave your faith into your Christmas celebration. Remind them that real value lies not in what we have, but who we are.”

“So if I can’t afford the big gifts, the activities, trips and clothes this year, I can still give them what they really need?”

“Yes, be passionate about your faith. Integrate your faith and values into an ongoing conversation with your children. Be intentional. Be consistent. Focus on the internals more than the externals, like grades, things and achievement. A child with a moral compass and a vital faith is more likely to avoid at-risk behavior, depression, substance abuse, and violence; and more likely to do better socially, academically and athletically. He is also more likely to be engaged in serving others, and not wrapped up in himself. Now isn’t that a great gift to give your child?”

May joy and peace fill your hearts at Christmas.

Timothy Smith   

59ja7iged6

Twitter: ParentsCoach

He watched her pray with his pistol pointed toward her.

“And help this young man, Jesus. He needs your help! Help him to know your love and forgiveness. Help him to not do this, Jesus!”

Greg Smith put his pistol away, got down on his knees and joined her in prayer, “Would you pray for me, too?” He asked with tears in his eyes.

Maybe you’ve seen the footage. It’s all captured by a security camera. But the powerful scene was when Greg, in an orange jail jumpsuit, (linked by video) asked forgiveness from Angela on OPRAH, who was in studio with his mom and fiancee. Angela responded, “I forgive you, Greg. I love you.”

Even Oprah dabbed her eyes.

The Praying Robber

Greg is in his early twenties, a four-year veteran of the military, skilled as a heating and cooling technician; but his long-term unemployment and depression led to despair. He lost his way. He did something crazy. He did something violent.

When asked why he stopped the robbery, he responded, “Because I heard God speak through Miss Angela. I’ve never heard someone speak to me with that kind of love and care.”

His response echoes recent research from the University of Chicago.

“Children raised in violence tend to be more violent adults. Experts point to parenting classes as one way to help break the cycle of violence. Extensive research from one national study found that children of mothers in high quality parenting programs had an arrest rate 60% lower than their peers.” – Chicago Tribune Sunday, Oct. 11,2009 “Through these classes we help parents gain self-confidence and provide them the skills they need so they can raise children who are less prone to using violence as a solution to a problem,” said Kevin Limbeck, director of Family Focus, a community organization that runs parenting classes.

Our children, even those in their teens and twenties, like Greg, need guidance, love, support and someone to say, “You are more than this,” when they blow it. They desperately need someone to forgive them, but they need to be held responsible for their actions. That’s what good parents do: love and set limits.

Oprah closed her show with BeBe & CeCe Winans singing ‘Grace’ from their new album, Still. They dedicated the song to Greg and Angela. “I once was lost, but now I’m found. Was blind, but now I see.”

Our kids need love, limits and healthy role models; but they also need grace.

Timothy Smith  www.ParentsCoach.org

59ja7iged6

The microwave buzzed, drowning out Ellen on the flat screen in the kitchen.

Is your child a digital addict or native?

“Trevor it’s time for dinner.”
No response.
Terri walked to the bottom of the stairs and yelled “Trevor! Dinner!”
Her iPhone vibrated in her jeans pocket.
Whatz 4 dinner? Trevor texted from his bedroom.

Sound familiar?

Modern family members can be isolated into individual digital cocoons of information, entertainment or escape. The impact is detrimental: disconnected parents are raising distracted kids.

Honestly, we probably aren’t going to change the world. Might as well find a way to cope with technology, or at least tame it. I don’t see too many newbie iPhone-attics ditching their new toy with all the cool apps. The Amish are intriguing, but not cool.

The reason why most of us have kids in the first place is because we wanted to influence something more formidable than a puppy. We wanted to leave a legacy. We wanted to contribute. But I know that for some parents, some days you look at your kid and feel all that you have contributed to is some form of fiendish bio terrorism!

In previous blogs I’ve discussed the difference between digital natives and digital immigrants. Our kids are at home with technology – they always have been. We parents? Not so much. (We are the immigrants and the Apple Store is the new Ellis Island).

If we can’t interact and communicate effectively with our kids, then we can’t influence them, nurture them, bond with them and guide them. We will be disconnected. This digital gap isn’t ideological, it’s technological.

Here are some tips to close the digital gap and enhance your influence with your digital native child:

1. Connect
- Use technology to be aware of where your child is; what she is doing; with whom; and when and how will she be home.
- Know his online friends and have access and passwords to all his accounts.
- Have family meals together and encourage conversation and do not allow any TV, phone, text, video games etc. for thirty minutes.
2. Protect
- Cell phones and computers have bedtimes and not in your child’s room.                         
- Discuss and post written limits for technology with consequences.
- Discuss various unsafe scenarios and how to handle them.
3. Nurture
- Schedule face-to-face time with each of your kids.
- Alternate physical activities with digital ones (go on a walk, bicycle)
- Develop a weekly family Sabbath for connecting, resting and playing without any technology.
- Create a family mission statement and strategies ways together of living it out daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, etc.

Help your child see that technology is a privilege, not a right.

Timothy Smith
http://www.ParentsCoach.org

59ja7iged6